It’s about Progress, not PERFECTION!!!!

I have two options one – continue the path of destruction that I am on or CHANGE...   Over the last month and a half (ok if I’m being honest since I got back from the USA) I have been not taking care of myself, I have been hit hard with news from my Specialist and I decided to find comfort in food which we all know is not a good combination, I have pretty much eaten what I wanted when I wanted and could care less of consequences, well I know the consequences, pretty much put 4kg on, I am now back to 111.1kg as per my scales this morning, this wasn’t unexpected, I have been eating food with enough calories for a week in one day, then the next day pretty much eating nothing or just sandwiches all day, or maybe custard or yoghurt the next all this mashed with no exercise.  My Specialist decided for me to get about 20 different blood tests, which came back not too bad, apart from me having vitamin B12 deficiency anemia, so for the next 12 weeks I’m having B12 shots every Saturday.  For those of you who don’t know much about what B12 provides here’s a short run down:

Symptoms of Vitamin B12 Deficiency

A deficiency of vitamin B12 can lead to vitamin B12 deficiency anemia. A mild deficiency may cause only mild, if any, symptoms. But as the anemia worsens it may causes symptoms such as:

·         weakness, tiredness or light-headedness  

·         rapid heartbeat and breathing

·         pale skin

·         sore tongue

·         easy bruising or bleeding, including bleeding gums

·         stomach upset and weight loss

·         diarrhea or constipation

If the deficiency is not corrected, it can damage the nerve cells. If this happens, vitamin B12 deficiency effects may include:

·         tingling or numbness in fingers and toes

·         difficulty walking

·         mood changes or depression

·         memory loss, disorientation, and dementia

Unfortunately for me I did not have the weight loss, but did have an upset stomach, weakness, tiredness, pins and needles, rapid heartbeat and hard to breathe, MOOD CHANGES and DEPRESSION (although I thought the majority of that came from my other news – which it also probably has).  So what do I have to do – I am taking the B12 shots weekly to get my levels back up to where they should be, I’ve made plans with a lovely friend to exercise on Sunday (I’m not going to go extreme hard-core just yet) but going is a step, well organising was the first step, so I’m already one step closer...  I have goals yes, I’m getting emails from the 12WBT telling me to log in and re read all the ways to get back on track, unfortunately none of that will help me for the situation I am in.  I’m not going to weigh in or do the time trials or wall sits etc., I’m going to just focus purely on the food, get my food back on track and then slowly bring everything else back in alignment, I mean I can work out and run and what have you until the cows come home, but I’m not eating right then I’m just wasting that time and energy (which at the moment is a commodity)......

I’m reading books that I have been given, which are actually helping me, not with weight loss but just my mind – it’s a Fantastic book and if I could remember the name of it I would plug it here (yep bring on the b12 shots) I’m not normally a forgetful person, but farkme pretty sure the last month I’ve forgotten my phone more times than I can remember (pun intended), my lunch etc...

I’ve also not wanted to be social or around people and for those who know me well, know this not me, I am Awesome Angela Sparkles, I’m the centre of attention, I am the party girl (ok was the party girl) I don’t cancel events, I make sure I attend them all, but lately, I just don’t want to see people, I don’t want sad faces looking back at me or the dreaded -  How are you? Are you ok? You know there are other options conversations, Because as soon as someone says to me – Are  you ok – pretty sure that’s code for my tear ducts to give away and I’m a mess for the rest of the day, then I eat KFC (chicken, chips more chicken and chips and Pepsi max).....  I don’t want to talk about it with everyone, it rips my heart out every time someone looks at me, like you poor thing, so sorry this has happened to you, I know you wanted this more than anything..  This doesn’t help and must stop.  I am also putting a stop to constantly talking about weight and exercise and weight loss and how it’s going, this also puts me down and makes me feel like shit, every single time, I know I start all these diets/healthy eating plans etc.. but talking about it all the time just doesn’t help me... I mean if it’s meant to be part of your day, then that’s what it is, I mean we don’t talk about brushing our teeth or our daily shower routine.... do we?  Ok maybe some people do.. ha ha and that is fine.. I just need to only focus on the good positive things, and don’t get me wrong healthy eating, exercise and weight loss is good things and should be discussed, but right NOW I don’t want to talk about it, the more someone asks me that and I’ve put on weight, it’s a FAILURE in my head just another FAILURE....  SO you see when I talk about it all I see is You’re a failure and I already feel like that at the moment with my stupid body... Ok my body isn’t stupid, sorry body I love you....

You know when one issues makes you hit rock bottom, that you start to think of all the other reasons you should stay there or why you ‘deserve’ to be there?? I always thought I was single because I’m overweight,  I know right yes I’m 35 and single because I think men wont date me due to my weight, how farked is that and if I go into a date, I’m already thinking well if he doesn’t like me that’s fine, never once do I think, what if I don’t like him, what if I’m not attracted to him, I find myself falling for men who I know will hurt me, I mean it’s coming anyway right, who would love me... Welcome to my head, I well up typing this because I realise how stupid it sounds and how completely not true it is and my friends reading this will be shaking their heads at me.... But that’s one of the many thoughts I deal with on a daily basis... 

Life is meant to be fun right, then why do I continually put myself through the ringer for things I can’t change... 

How about for a change I just believe everything will work out, I will get my fairy-tale wedding, I WILL be a Mum, I will lose weight and run marathons and walk around in my bikini ok one piece with short shorts, no stuff it Bikini around the pool or beach...  Why don’t I for a month just FAKE IT till I MAKE IT and see what happens.... I mean what is one month of pure Ange love, No negative self-talk, no sabotage, no hate to my body, if it provides nothing but just a month of Ange love, isn’t that enough?  One small change might be exactly what I need....

You would have noticed that this blog as no shiny bells and whistles not many pictures, just raw truth....

When you’re down so far and all you see is sky, the only way is up right...

I can see all my beautiful friends and families hands coming down to me to help me up and I will now start to grab on and be lifted up and back on my feet. I just need to take kitten steps, one thing at a time, fix one thing and then move onto the next, no one’s life is perfect....

It’s about Progress, not PERFECTION!!!!

Onwards and upwards...

Live... Laugh... Love.

Ange xo

Side Note – I have probably said some of this before in previous blogs, it’s something that I need to work on and believe me when I say I AM WORKING MY ASS OFF to become the person I want to be, the person I deserve to be.....

A turning point....

I was unsure if I was even going to attend the Group Workout and Park run prior, to be honest I wanted to sleep in and just have some Ange time, a friend that was coming with me, couldn't come due to injury, it was a great excuse for me not to go either, but I put on my alarm that night for 5.30am and it went off I got up had a shower, got in my workout clothes and jumped in the car, firstly checking I had  HRM, SPI belt, keys, ipod, phone, hat, yada yada, I had it all I was ready, took off and got stuck at road works for 15mins - I drove around South Bank and West end for about 15mins to find a park, I finally found one about 20 mins away from Southbank, I fast walked to the start line off Parkrun and missed it by about 5 mins, I could see the runners up ahead the crew told me to run and I would catch up, thing is I'm not a runner and yes I could've run and caught up to them, but then I would've been buggered and had to walk once I got to them. So I decided to walk/jog around the river for 45 mins and it felt good, but it hurt, I'm either 1. not fit or 2. running wrong, my breathing is all over the shop, my legs and knees (especially knees hurt) but anyway I did it, South bank was jammed packed  - with Dragon Boat races, Michelle Bridges ladies EVERYWHERE and over 250 park runners, I found my friends and we all went to to the 12 WBT finale brekkie at Rydges, it was lovely I caught up with some old friends and met a bunch of new lovely ladies... 

After my walk along the Brisbane River at Southbank.

We waited a bit for our breakfasts to arrive, I ended up having the Bacon, Eggs and Toast, I only ended up eating the Bacon and Eggs, there were 3 pieces of bread, so 6 halves and it was WAY to much for me... I drank my Skinny Mocha and then we all walked to the Convention Centre...
As we walked in it was like gearing up for Cheer Leading Nationals, there were 1000s of ladies everywhere, all in their team colours and outfits, I walked in singing the Cheer from Bring it on and two ladies joined in, it was hilarious and fun and relaxed me.. 

Cheerleaders at Nationals :D - Well that's what it felt like

We walked around the stalls, there wasn't that much there to be honest, if they had put out a clothes line with all of Michelle's clothes, I think it would have been a free for all, as her clothing line was on nearly every second person, me included, I wore my  No excuses shirt, as normally I am full of excuses..

I saw everyone lining up for a photo with the MB banner - it said you SMASHED IT.. Well I didn't smash last round at all I think I lost 7kg, which  yes its fantastic weight loss, I could've done A LOT better... I will this round. IN saying that I can see that I have lost weight I can also see that I have a lot more to lose and this will be my ONLY Focus for the next 12 weeks or however long this journey will take me....

The lady who will whip me into shape..

Showing my QLD Colours- Blue

Lovely ladies - waiting for our Group Photo

I had such a fun time with the girls at the group workout I was a little disappointed that I didn't get to go to Finale, but if I decided not to go to Workout I would've missed out on meeting some truly beautiful and inspiring ladies.

There is so much beauty out there and I don't mean pretty skinny girls, I mean ladies who have worked their butts off and walk around proud, the ladies who still have weight to lose but do the mini challenges to prove to no one but themselves that they can and will do this, the ladies who don't know each other yet cheer them on as they do 1 or 2 burpees when they said they couldnt..

This program that I am doing is not only for weight loss but its a little family that brings friends, strangers, support crew together...

Its nice to feel part of a group that wants to help you.

Some people tell me that I don't have to lose weight that I am fine the way I am, which maybe true, however I know what I want, my Goals aren't stupid and unrealistic, I can and will reach them with a little help from myself, my head, my heart, my family and my friends... Its amazing what a little encouragement can do to help me get over the line.

 

Wearing Kate's 30+ shirt - I can and WILL JFDI!!!

After the workout - all hot and sweaty and lining up for photos.. ha ha

I can and WILL do this.... :D

I look forward to the next 12 weeks - I have some personal stuff going on this week which I have taken time off work to deal with, I have also eaten some wrong food, but I am dealing with everything and it was what was near, I have started my plan and I will get back on my feet and this will be my greatest feat ever... I can and will do this, some people continually tell me I cant do this, I dont stick to things but the majority of my friends, support me and tell me I can and from now on they are the ONLY people I will listen to..

Im a great person, beautiful even and I will become the person I am destined to be...  You just watch and see...

Live Laugh Love.....

Ange xo

Self-Pity time is over.. Back to it Ange.....

Firstly welcome to the year of 2013 - Its going to be a cracker of a year!!!!!  Now apologies,  I have been very slack lately, Ok I wouldn’t call it slack, but low motivation to do anything the last month, this is why for Christmas and NYE I surprised my beautiful best friend in New York City – Yes you read correctly New York City – I had planned this trip prior to joining the 12WBT Round 4 challenge-  in the time between starting and flying to NYC I lost 7.5kg I was on a role, I loved the program, loved the food, love the exercise, loved the boot camps, ok you get me I loved it...  I was stoked, I was losing weight, and I didn’t feel like I was on a diet (that word just so you know is no longer in my vocabulary..) I’m on a lifestyle change :D – ok I’m off topic already.. FOCUS ANGELA!!! Ha  ha :P Where was I, I arrived in NYC on the 20^th Dec and for the next 16 days I was in heaven of awesomeness,  it was amazing, we had great food, walked everywhere, caught trains and yellow taxis, handsome carriage rides through Central Park,  Snow Adventure days upstate New York, danced on Coyote Ugly bars, Cable car rides, Markets, drank, went to Swanky NYC clubs and was Merry... I didn’t put on any weight over that time, matter of fact I lost it...  Oh I forgot to mention IT WAS COLD, I have attached a couple of pics of the Awesomeness that was NYC.....  So when we walk 5-8km a day our bodies were trying to stay warm hence they were burning all day....  Here are some Photos from NYC...

I arrived back home on the 4^th Jan – now from then to now is when I faltered... I left minus temps to arrive at 6am in the morning to 34deg, It was hot and I felt like doing nothing, which I proceeded to do for the next 4 weeks – ok that’s a lie I did Tom Laws Challenge which I ended up getting my knees drained – will explain further on ....  I didn’t feel like eating and when I did it was take out or crap food... Why Angela why would you do this?  You got a taste of the weight loss you are 7.5kg lighter, now you’re sabotaging yourself for no apparent reason....  Then I realised I had fallen back into old habits,  I was feeling crap because I wasn’t exercising but feeling unmotivated to exercise, that’s when a couple of people asked me if I was going to do Round 1, to be honest with you I was just going to redo Round 4 by myself as I printed the recipes that I liked and thought piece of cake I can do this.. But I realised I need MB I need her support and her great exercise programs... and all the forums and lovely ladies and gents you meet along the way....  Support was what they were giving me, I wouldn’t get that doing this alone.....

I had a ‘light bulb’ moment, I know what I want and I know the tools I need to do this – why am I not committing to this...  then I flashbacked through photos of the Tom Law challenge and realised I NEED TO LOSE weight, yes I do all these events, doesn’t mean I’m super fit and healthy.

The Toms Law Challenge was a Kokoda Grunt style obstacle course, now even though I had done Warrior Dash before; this was a little PT/Obstacle Course that went for 3 hours... We jumped ran/ok walked up hills carrying people on a stretchers, ran through fields, climbed rope towers (some made it over), ran over logs, tyres, through tunnels, down slides, through dams (fully clothed), swimming jumping in and out of the pool, running, sprints, sit ups, squats, I’m going to stop now.. :P  The photos I attached are ones that shocked me, then there are a couple showing me looking strong and awesome...  and then there is me after my knees got drained at the Emergency Room.. ha ha (don’t be shocked, this is a common occurrence for me on my right knee ) I had a Arthroscopy on it years ago and it just never bounced back) however I baby it so put all the pressure on my left knee and well after the hill walk up Heartbreak hill whilst carrying a person on a stretcher I kind of pushed my knee a little much and they both blew up on me, I knew it had happened as the pain was getting unbearable towards the end but I soldiered on...  (Please note I RICE’d them and all was well after the drainage and rest (No exercise )for a week that turned into 4 ha ha ha... ok so not funny!! )



One of the photos that made me realise I NEED to lose weght- Yes Im saturated from the Dam NO EXCUSE!!!



Photo 2 of Need to lose weight....



MY STONG PHOTO!!!



Photo 3 - Need to Lose Weight....

My knees after Draining.

I have fat I can see on my body that needs to go I would hate to know what strain its putting on my organs.. I’m assuming they are not enjoying themselves.. So I committed myself to MB program for as many rounds as I need to do to get me to where I want to be.....  I am doing this for my ORGANS, my Organs are what keep me alive, if they shut down I shut down...  I am doing this for my health, both inside and out, I am doing this to look FREAKIN HOT AS so when I walk down a street people turn their heads to check me out – YES I SAID PEOPLE, I want everyone to turn around to check out the Toned hot little chicky that walked past them.....

After my commitment to the cause I decided to go to Big W and shout myself some new workout wear, and guess what I’m in a size 16 and its not tight.. My goal is Size 12 so I am NOT that far away, this brought a MASSIVE smile to my face, the lady actually came up to see if everything was ok because I was in there for so  long – YES I was taking selfies of me and my workout wear, although being that I was taken them so quickly they are ALL blurry, but here are some when I got home and excitedly tried them on again.. I am also wearing short shorts in these pics, I never thought I could wear short shorts, no one needs to see my legs I always thought, but last year a Gorgeous friend told me that I had good legs and that I needed to stop covering them up with tights under dresses, I always thought my legs were horrific to the eye, but alas that was all in my head and now I show my legs off proudly whenever I can... (ok some days I don’t as I still have fat days and wear maxi dresses to cover up...)



No more Excuses - I can and will lose the weight...



I can wear short shorts - I just have to keep working for it...



So the program starts on Monday and I loved that its starts on 11/2/13 – I love that 11+2=13... :P  What a great day to start on....  I have my plan, I have worked out my shopping list and I’m doing it all tonight, This is what my new day looks like (from Monday 11/2/13),

 I used to have all these great plans and very rarely did I follow them you know why? Because I know I don’t like early morning workouts and just because I wrote it down, was someone magically going to appear at my door at 4.30am to wake me up put on my workout clothes and get me out NO – I work from 6.30-4pm so I am up at 5am to get ready and out my door before 6am to get to work on time, I enjoy the afternoon workout as I don’t care who sees me hot and sweaty on the train but that’s a different story if I am beetroot head at work for 3 hours whilst I cool down.....   I am adding a lunchtime walk to my day – for two reasons one because I very rarely leave my desk during the day (yes I eat lunch at my desk) and two its going to be VERY beneficial for my health and emotional well being, the sun, fresh air, walking all good things :o)

 

Selfie taken today at Work. 8/2/13



I can see the change in my shoulders and waist  - Just have to continue in the right direction..

I brought this beautiful Teal SIZE 16 dress from Rockmans to wear to the Finale, Unfortunately I didnt get a ticket as my Dads birthday was on this night, however its since been moved, HOWEVER the dress fits me and looks fab.. I will wear it to an event on the 1st March and yes I will update you all with a pic.. :D

I want to end this post with a HUGE Thankyou for all of my friends that have encouraged me to get back into it, both the program, You guys letting me know you love, reading my blog, made me smile!!!

I can do ths,  I will get there and I will strutt my stuff down any street from today and own it.. Because I am awesome as of right at this moment, but I will only get more Awesome as the year progresses..

2013 a year of Love, Happiness, Healthiness and Strutting.

Live... Laugh... Love..

Ange xoxox