It’s about Progress, not PERFECTION!!!!

I have two options one – continue the path of destruction that I am on or CHANGE...   Over the last month and a half (ok if I’m being honest since I got back from the USA) I have been not taking care of myself, I have been hit hard with news from my Specialist and I decided to find comfort in food which we all know is not a good combination, I have pretty much eaten what I wanted when I wanted and could care less of consequences, well I know the consequences, pretty much put 4kg on, I am now back to 111.1kg as per my scales this morning, this wasn’t unexpected, I have been eating food with enough calories for a week in one day, then the next day pretty much eating nothing or just sandwiches all day, or maybe custard or yoghurt the next all this mashed with no exercise.  My Specialist decided for me to get about 20 different blood tests, which came back not too bad, apart from me having vitamin B12 deficiency anemia, so for the next 12 weeks I’m having B12 shots every Saturday.  For those of you who don’t know much about what B12 provides here’s a short run down:

Symptoms of Vitamin B12 Deficiency

A deficiency of vitamin B12 can lead to vitamin B12 deficiency anemia. A mild deficiency may cause only mild, if any, symptoms. But as the anemia worsens it may causes symptoms such as:

·         weakness, tiredness or light-headedness  

·         rapid heartbeat and breathing

·         pale skin

·         sore tongue

·         easy bruising or bleeding, including bleeding gums

·         stomach upset and weight loss

·         diarrhea or constipation

If the deficiency is not corrected, it can damage the nerve cells. If this happens, vitamin B12 deficiency effects may include:

·         tingling or numbness in fingers and toes

·         difficulty walking

·         mood changes or depression

·         memory loss, disorientation, and dementia

Unfortunately for me I did not have the weight loss, but did have an upset stomach, weakness, tiredness, pins and needles, rapid heartbeat and hard to breathe, MOOD CHANGES and DEPRESSION (although I thought the majority of that came from my other news – which it also probably has).  So what do I have to do – I am taking the B12 shots weekly to get my levels back up to where they should be, I’ve made plans with a lovely friend to exercise on Sunday (I’m not going to go extreme hard-core just yet) but going is a step, well organising was the first step, so I’m already one step closer...  I have goals yes, I’m getting emails from the 12WBT telling me to log in and re read all the ways to get back on track, unfortunately none of that will help me for the situation I am in.  I’m not going to weigh in or do the time trials or wall sits etc., I’m going to just focus purely on the food, get my food back on track and then slowly bring everything else back in alignment, I mean I can work out and run and what have you until the cows come home, but I’m not eating right then I’m just wasting that time and energy (which at the moment is a commodity)......

I’m reading books that I have been given, which are actually helping me, not with weight loss but just my mind – it’s a Fantastic book and if I could remember the name of it I would plug it here (yep bring on the b12 shots) I’m not normally a forgetful person, but farkme pretty sure the last month I’ve forgotten my phone more times than I can remember (pun intended), my lunch etc...

I’ve also not wanted to be social or around people and for those who know me well, know this not me, I am Awesome Angela Sparkles, I’m the centre of attention, I am the party girl (ok was the party girl) I don’t cancel events, I make sure I attend them all, but lately, I just don’t want to see people, I don’t want sad faces looking back at me or the dreaded -  How are you? Are you ok? You know there are other options conversations, Because as soon as someone says to me – Are  you ok – pretty sure that’s code for my tear ducts to give away and I’m a mess for the rest of the day, then I eat KFC (chicken, chips more chicken and chips and Pepsi max).....  I don’t want to talk about it with everyone, it rips my heart out every time someone looks at me, like you poor thing, so sorry this has happened to you, I know you wanted this more than anything..  This doesn’t help and must stop.  I am also putting a stop to constantly talking about weight and exercise and weight loss and how it’s going, this also puts me down and makes me feel like shit, every single time, I know I start all these diets/healthy eating plans etc.. but talking about it all the time just doesn’t help me... I mean if it’s meant to be part of your day, then that’s what it is, I mean we don’t talk about brushing our teeth or our daily shower routine.... do we?  Ok maybe some people do.. ha ha and that is fine.. I just need to only focus on the good positive things, and don’t get me wrong healthy eating, exercise and weight loss is good things and should be discussed, but right NOW I don’t want to talk about it, the more someone asks me that and I’ve put on weight, it’s a FAILURE in my head just another FAILURE....  SO you see when I talk about it all I see is You’re a failure and I already feel like that at the moment with my stupid body... Ok my body isn’t stupid, sorry body I love you....

You know when one issues makes you hit rock bottom, that you start to think of all the other reasons you should stay there or why you ‘deserve’ to be there?? I always thought I was single because I’m overweight,  I know right yes I’m 35 and single because I think men wont date me due to my weight, how farked is that and if I go into a date, I’m already thinking well if he doesn’t like me that’s fine, never once do I think, what if I don’t like him, what if I’m not attracted to him, I find myself falling for men who I know will hurt me, I mean it’s coming anyway right, who would love me... Welcome to my head, I well up typing this because I realise how stupid it sounds and how completely not true it is and my friends reading this will be shaking their heads at me.... But that’s one of the many thoughts I deal with on a daily basis... 

Life is meant to be fun right, then why do I continually put myself through the ringer for things I can’t change... 

How about for a change I just believe everything will work out, I will get my fairy-tale wedding, I WILL be a Mum, I will lose weight and run marathons and walk around in my bikini ok one piece with short shorts, no stuff it Bikini around the pool or beach...  Why don’t I for a month just FAKE IT till I MAKE IT and see what happens.... I mean what is one month of pure Ange love, No negative self-talk, no sabotage, no hate to my body, if it provides nothing but just a month of Ange love, isn’t that enough?  One small change might be exactly what I need....

You would have noticed that this blog as no shiny bells and whistles not many pictures, just raw truth....

When you’re down so far and all you see is sky, the only way is up right...

I can see all my beautiful friends and families hands coming down to me to help me up and I will now start to grab on and be lifted up and back on my feet. I just need to take kitten steps, one thing at a time, fix one thing and then move onto the next, no one’s life is perfect....

It’s about Progress, not PERFECTION!!!!

Onwards and upwards...

Live... Laugh... Love.

Ange xo

Side Note – I have probably said some of this before in previous blogs, it’s something that I need to work on and believe me when I say I AM WORKING MY ASS OFF to become the person I want to be, the person I deserve to be.....